teakay | Sacrifice of the Widow, Abridged Edition

So this project is quite incomplete, and I don't know that I'll ever get around to finishing it, but I thought I should post what I've got so far in case it might brighten some random passerby's day.

Inspired by Song of Ice and Fire in 30 Minutes, but please don't blame them for it.

Language, spoilers, extreme liberties with original text, etc.

Lolth and Eilistraee seat themselves across from each other at the sava board of Metaphor. It’s like voodoo chess. With lifeline dice.
Lolth and Eilistraee: Okay, we’re agreed. There can be only ONE.
Lolth: Silly girl, I’ve got the Drow of the Underdark on my side.
Eilistraee: Well, I’ve got Drow of the Surface. Bring it.
Lolth: … I meant the sourcebook.
Eilistraee: … I knew that.
Selvetarm: * throws in an extra big-ticket piece on Lolth’s side. Shock. Horror.*
Eilistraee: *bitches about it. Takes a Slave-Piece-Which-Is-Not-A-Slave-Piece*
Vhaeraun: *pops up and is eye candy. Gives Lolth the old bunnyears before disappearing again*
Lolth: Okay, die now.
Eilistraee: Not so fast. *grabs dice and throws*
Dice: *fall*
Selvetarm: She isn’t really going to get killed in the first book, is she? Isn’t it kind of soon for epic slaughter? Much as I’d like it?
Vhaeraun: Oh, you’d be surprised.
Dice: *keep falling*
Prologue: *ends*

***

Let’s rewind a bit… to the Promenade, where Qilué plays War of the Spider Queen: Resurrection.
Qilué: Hey! Former battle-captive who has no reason to like you right behind you! Turn around. Turn around already!
Danifae: Sucker!
Danifae’s morningstar: *swings*
Halisstra’s spine: *goes crunch*
Qilué: Lousy clunky controls. Can’t even reload from here. Well, at least she has an extra life –
Halisstra: Angst angst angst.
Halisstra’s face: *goes crunch*
Halisstra: ANGST. *blips out*
Qilué: … or not. Damn it.
Eilistraee: House Melarn will aid me.
Qilué: Yay?
Eilistraee: And House Melarn will betray me. *blips out*
Qilué: … um.

***

Speaking of which, fast-forward! Time: Year of Risen Elfkin. Place: City of Fallen Ched Nasad.
Q’arlynd Melarn: Hey, Pharaun fans. The new snarky irreverent drow wizard has arrived. If they kill me off too I hope I can count on you to storm Wizards of the Coast. I’ve already got one fakeout on my resume. Anyway, I’ve got this sucky job on a city cleanup crew and may I just take this moment to say that matrilineal inheritance has screwed me over? On a side note, observe my House sigil. Dancing stick figure. Isn’t that such an intriguing bit of foreshadowing?
Cliff: *goes crumbly*
Rock: *falls down and breaks head of passerby*
Q’arlynd: Now I shall do some recreational skydiving, sans sky. Oh, would you look at that. Now I wonder if you can kill someone by throwing a coin off the Dangling Tower. I mean, theoretically speaking, when it was still in one piece. Speaking of which… ooh, familiar-looking portal!

***

Cut to: the Promenade
Thaleste: *wibble*
Cavatina: Look, I have this nifty sword with a nifty name that I inherited from my mom. You think it’ll be important?
Not-Random Spellgaunt: *wrecks sword*
Cavatina: Damn it.
Aranea: For Selvetarm!
Cavatina: *stabby with moonblade*
Elven lore scholars: *scream in outrage*
Cavatina: It’s not that kind of moonblade. Jeez.
Aranea: *explodes*

And now some bits and pieces I had the idea for but didn't write up to, in rough chronological order...

***

Malvag: Okay, it goes like so:
1. Open gate in realm of rival god
2. Send Vhaeraun through gate
3. ?????
4. Profit!
Any questions?
Jezz: I am getting this incredible sense of déjà vu.
Some Nightshadow: Now wait a second, I thought high magic was an arcane thing?
Malvag: Not this high magic, buddy. It’s for clerics, so why I invited the cripple I don’t know except… oh yeah. Neener. Neener. Neener.
Jezz: Screw you, I’m going home. When you all get eviscerated by draegloths don't come crying to me.

***

The Lethyr
Szorak: *while sneaking, dodges blade* Ha ha.
Second blade: *zooms in*
Szorak: *bashes blade with magic-eating stick* Should’ve come in from behind.
Eilistraeens: *do the old song and dance*
Szorak: A male needs a female like a fish needs a bicycle. Also Eilistraeens are female chauvinist pigs. Also I was molested as a child. Before you start feeling too sorry for me or start thinking I might have a valid point I’m going to surreptitiously garrote a priestess, steal her soul, and have sex with her corpse.
Necrophilia: *about to ensue*
Not Dead!Priestess: You wanted it from behind? *stabbity*
Szorak: OW MY SPLEEN O HI IZZAT YOU SEYLL?
Not!Seyll: Next time you might try, I don’t know, not talking to yourself out loud while “sneaking”?
Szorak: Will keep that in mind. *croaks*

***

Malvag: Um, Masked Lord, there’s been kind of a snag and would you mind lending a miracle?
Vhaeraun: Fuck off.
Malvag: There’s not going to be another chance like this for fifty-seven years!
Vhaeraun: I said fuck off. We’re elves. Fifty-seven years isn’t so long. *hangs up*

***

Valdar: So just why are we spouting moonfire all of a sudden?

Around the Underdark
Masked Traitors: … we can explain this. Really.

***

Coda time!
Dice: *land*
Selvetarm: *is still alive* Phew, that was close.
Eilistraee: Okay, I get to pick a kill. YOU’RE IT.
Selvetarm: … Crap.