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[personal profile] teakay
Title:: Officer Helm
Fandom: Forgotten Realms
Summary: Cyric, Iyachtu Xvim, Selvetarm, and Vhaeraun air their Issues.

Notes and Warnings: This is a songfic of West Side Story's "Officer Krupke" that I wrote a few years back. It's a scriptfic as well, so I didn't want to risk posting it on fanfiction.net. Instead I put it on a webhost which has since gone down. I'm reposting it with a couple tweaks. Hope someone enjoys!

(Cyric, Iyachtu Xvim, Selvetarm, and Vhaeraun come on stage, staring at each other warily)

CYRIC: I see dead gods… but they don’t know they’re dead! (giggles)

XVIM: Wasn’t he supposed to be cured? What’s he laughing for?

VHAERAUN:
Can’t imagine why. Ahem. See these goodly folk, they believe everything their gods tell them about us creepy e-vils.

CYRIC: (still giggling intermittently) So that’s what we give them.

XVIM: Something to believe in.

CYRIC:
(holds up a Helm hand puppet)(As Helm) Hey, you! Give me one good reason for not dragging you down to the Cynosure Pavilion, you vile miscreants!

XVIM: Because evil is our job.

CYRIC: (tosses away the puppet) You’re so boring. No, it’s more like this-

(Cyric straightens up and breaks into song)

CYRIC

Dear kindly Watcher Helm - see,
You’ve got to understand,
It's just our bringing up-y
That gets us out of hand.
Our folks are power-hungry,
Or else they’re power-drunk.
Golly Ao, naturally we're punks!

(The other three gods, thus far looking on silently, join in)

ALL
Gee Officer Helm, see, we're very upset;
We never had the love that ev'ry child ought to get.
We are not delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

SELVETARM
There is good!

ALL
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

MASK:
(out of sight) That's a touching good story.

CYRIC: Let me tell it to the world!

MASK: Just tell it to the judge.

(Mask appears, blindfolded, brandishing his arm stump and a gavel)

VHAERAUN
Dear kindly Tyr, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their divine power,
They won't give me a puff.

SELVETARM (glaring at Vhaeraun)
They didn't want to have me,
But somehow I was had.

VHAERAUN AND SELVETARM
Leaping lizards! That's why I'm so bad!

MASK: (As Tyr) Right!

Officer Helm, oh, you're really a square;
These boys don't need a judge, they need an analyst's care!
It's just their neurosis that ought to be curbed.
They're psychologic'ly disturbed!

SELVETARM AND CYRIC
I'm disturbed!

ALL BUT MASK
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.

MASK: (as Tyr) In the opinion of this court, these boys are depraved on account of they haven’t had normal homes.

CYRIC: Hey, I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived.

MASK: So take them to a headshrinker.

(Exit Mask. Enter Talona, carrying something that is apparently supposed to be The True Life of Cyric but isn’t, evident by the fact that the supposed title is stamped right on the spine)

XVIM
My father is a bastard.

VHAERAUN
My mother is a B.

SELVETARM
My grandpa is a hippie,
My grandma clobbers me.

CYRIC
My father snuffed my mother.

VHAERAUN
My sister doesn’t dress.

ALL BUT TALONA
Goodness gracious, that's why I’m a mess!

TALONA: (As Oghma) Yes!
Officer Helm, no, they shouldn’t be here
These boys don't need a doctor, just a useful career.
Society’s played them a terrible trick,
And sociologic’ly they’re sick!

CYRIC
I am sick!

ALL BUT TALONA
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick,
Like we’re sociologically sick!

TALONA: In my opinion, they don't need to have their heads shrunk at all. Alignment delinquency is purely a social disease, created by the nature of mortals!

VHAERAUN: Hey, I got a social disease! (mutters while glaring back at Selvetarm) And I can guess where it came from.

TALONA: So take them to a social worker!

(Exit Talona. Enter Beshaba, with fake wounds artistically applied across almost all her revealed skin - which is quite a lot)

XVIM
Dear kindly Lord Ilmater,
They say do useful things.
Like be an honest worker,
Which means be a weakling.

VHAERAUN
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-work.

XVIM AND VHAERAUN
Gloryosky! That's why I'm a jerk!

BESHABA: (As Ilmater)
What!
Officer Helm - see, you've done it again.
These boys don't need a job, they need a year in the pen.
It’s not just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside them, they’re no good!

CYRIC AND XVIM
I'm no good!

ALL BUT BESHABA
We're no good, we're no good!
We're no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

(Enter Mask and Talona)

MASK (As Tyr)
The trouble is they’re crazy.

TALONA (As Oghma)
The trouble’s they don’t think.

BESHABA (As Ilmater)
The trouble is they’re lazy.

MASK
The trouble is they stink.

TALONA
The trouble is they’re growing.

BESHABA
The trouble is they’re grown.

ALL BUT MASK, TALONA, BESHABA
Helm, see, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Officer Helm, see,
We're down on our knees,
'Cause no one wants a fellow with a social disease.
Gee, Officer Helm, oh,
What are we to do…?
Gee, Officer Helm, see,
Helm you!

(Silent staring resumes. Curtain falls)

July 2013

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